cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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