plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize