my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
