I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
