She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh god it's open bar.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
