If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
