i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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