The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
