I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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