Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
