He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
