New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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