Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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