the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
