I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
