He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
