Ambien. No doubt about it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I will pee on everything he values.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
