There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
