Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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