whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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