She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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