I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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