I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize