i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we made out on top of his cat.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
