i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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