We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
