I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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