Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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