Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
