I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
