I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
two words...techno handjob
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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