i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
