ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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