i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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