we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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