put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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