my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
