New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
