This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
