he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
