i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
