Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
