Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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