I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
