peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
