Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
