I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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