My sheets look like a crime scene.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
