you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
