you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
