she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize