Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
All the doctor said was why
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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