I don't usually arrange sex via text message
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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