Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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