Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
