Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
