OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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