I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
