Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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