Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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