i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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