you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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