your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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