I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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