I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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