I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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