Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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